dear 2016

it seems heartbreaks and heartaches were universal this year, as i’m sure they are every year.
but this time the hurt was closer,
private,
mine.
my own personal heartbreak.
and it would be silly of me to think i was the only person to experience something like this, but nothing has felt bigger or smaller to me than 2016.
​nothing has been quieter, louder, smokier, wetter, stranger, fuller, emptier, colder, warmer, more giving, more taking, the most taking… 

dreams i have held close to me for years were brought to life.
i visited mecca and medinah, and performed umrah twice. i completed university, and graduated with some of my best friends. my work was published in a poetry anthology, and is now in the hands of multiple people on multiple continents. i co-headlined an arts festival night with poetry royalty, lemn sissay. i was featured in a spoken word documentary on female performers. i got to mini holiday in norway, with 4 of the most beautiful women i know. myself and my university poetry society made the semi-finals of the largest uk poetry slam.
yes, i achieved many things this year- things i am proud of- yet i failed to truly acknowledge each accomplishment for what it was.
for this, i am sorry, to myself. but i am also forgiving.
i forgive myself for being distracted by my human, and neglecting my person. i forgive myself for floating through the good times, and becoming somewhat stagnant through the bad. 

those dearest to me have been subject to hearing me say, “2016 has been the worst year of my life” more times than it would be wise for me to admit.
i experienced spectacular heartbreak, the best kind, but i no longer have any doubts regarding my capability of loving.
i found myself in the back of an ambulance more than once, but at least i know what that looks like, even if the memories remain blurry. 

in 2016 i realised, cliches become cliches for a reason, and i was every one of them. 
breaking down in public, leaving the party early so i could cry on the phone to my best friend, sitting on the kitchen floor until 3am with my head in my hands. i was all of it. and i’m still here. despite everything, i am here.
i always will be, and then one day... i will not. and even then, i'll never be gone,
because i live my life with love. 
love is energy, spirit, shapeshifting- never lost, never gone, never not. 

i refuse to allow myself the ignorance to forget:
how great i am,
the love that is within me,
that love that does surround me,
and that i do not know what lessons i need until i complete them. 

2016- you came, you saw, you tried. i conquered. 

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